Episode 1 - Boundaries

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Behind the Lashes is produced by CMJW Entertainment. Hi everyone and welcome to the very first episode of behind the Lashes. I'm Jamie and I have to say I'm excited and a little emotional because this has been a dream of mine for a long time and I'm finally, finally ready to bring the space to life. I created this podcast because so many of us women, we have personal perfect lashes and a brave face and a beautiful smile. But there's a lot going on behind our lashes. We are carrying things that most people can only imagine. We are carrying some pain, maybe some healing. We're going through hope, heartbreak, all kinds of different things. Struggles, anxiety, maybe exhaustion, maybe you're a caretaker. There are so many things in between that we're going to talk about. Behind the Lashes is where we finally can take a look and talk about the things that we don't feel we're allowed to say out loud. We will be diving into emotional well being. We will be diving into real stuff, stuff that is raw, stuff that you only think of, but you're afraid to speak. And I want to rest assure and tell you that you have permission to do that. Sometimes we lay awake at 2am and our mind just goes. And these ruminating thoughts of everything we're responsible for, those are some of the things that we're going to talk about. I hope to bring some good navigation and guidance on so many different topics. Hope, healing, strength, self worth, rebuilding yourself, thriving at any age, boundaries, identity, those are just some of the things that we're going to be talking about here at behind the Lectures. We will also talk about confidence, fear, relationships, seasons that you have been through, boundaries and so much more. Some episodes will go deep. Some will be very raw. Some will be just about you and me. And sometimes I'll bring a guest on to talk about what that person is going through. And hey, you never know, that could be you. We will become friends. It'll be just like sitting down at a table and having a cup of coffee and just be open, have our ears open and our minds open just to talk. And it'll feel like it's just you and I. Because the truth is, behind every lash, there is a story, a storm that you have survived. And behind every woman listening right now is a strength she probably doesn't even recognize that she has or gives herself credit for. So thank you for being here with me, for trusting me, letting me into your world. And this is behind the Lashes. So let's begin. Hey everyone. Welcome to behind the Lashes. I'm Jamie. And I am so glad that you are here with me today. You know, as a mental health coach for women, I get a lot of questions about boundaries. And I want to. I want to assure you that boundaries are very healthy. Growing up Italian, I never knew what boundaries were. And here on behind the Lashes, I want to be as authentic and upfront with you as I can be. So I'm going to tell you a little bit about me and my growing up. I grew up Italian, and in an Italian culture, we don't have boundaries. In fact, I went to a therapist when I was in my late 20s, and she had asked me, well, Jamie, do you have any boundaries? And I had no idea what that was. So immediately I left and I went home and I said to my mother, hey, mom, do we have boundaries? I don't know. Look in the cabinet. She says to me, so growing up with no boundaries really meant that no matter what was going on in anybody's life, they came in to my space. So as I got older, I started to develop boundaries. And one thing I want to share with you is sometimes boundaries are uncomfortable because we're, we're not used to. We're not used to having parameters around our lives. So I'm going to break it down for you a little bit. Why are they important? Because what it does is it protects your space. And when I mean space, it protects your. Your own life. So if you would imagine having a, having a. A backyard, and many of you may have fenced in yards and there's a gate, if you leave that gate open for everybody and everything to come in, your backyard is going to be packed with things that you did not invite in that may not be healthy for your lawn or for anything that you have back there. So what you're going to do with boundaries is you're going to be in charge of who you open that gate for. And you want to make sure the people in your life are healthy. We do have a lot of people in our lives that just again, we all have issues, but there are some people that we just keep letting back in, letting back in and letting back in. And what I say is, it's like driving down a dead end road expecting there to be a way out, but there is never. So we back our car out and we pull back in a few days later expecting a different outcome. So I also want to let you know that boundaries are not walls. You do not have to put a wall between you and that person, but a healthy little boundary. You know, I live in Beacon and when I drive up Route 90, it's called, there's a great place called Stony Kill. And they have great farm animals. But it's a, it's a highway right in front of there and there's a light that you can stop at. So one day, after many years of taking that same road, the boundaries are on my mind. I'm a little more self aware now. I look over and I see this beautiful cow. And she's grazing and doing whatever cows do. I'm a city girl, I'm not too, too familiar with farm. But she looks so beautiful. And what was in front of her was a little tiny rickety fence. Something that a good, a good wind would blow over. But that cow, I'm going to give her a name and call her Elsie. Elsie knew that if she went near that little fence or she went over it, what would happen? She'd walk right smack into a highway, oncoming traffic. And I think we know what would happen next. So I took a lesson from Elsie that day. And I use this when I speak to women and when I do some mental health coaching. Even if you have that little rickety fence in your mind, be mindful that if you cross that or you let someone cross over that you, you're talking about invasion. Invasion of your life and your privacy. So how do you get great boundaries? You sit down and you make a list of all the people that are in your life. Okay, we have them and a lot of them we're related to. And you, you give them each a specific boundary. Maybe you have a cousin that calls every single day with the same story. Maybe you have a mother in law that just doesn't stop and is telling you how to raise your children. Maybe you have parents that just cannot control being in control of you. It's okay to love them, but it's okay to have a boundary. So make that list. And each one of them gets their own individual unique boundary. I know for me, with some people, when I get continuously invaded, sometimes I need to just shut my phone off. I need to sit myself somewhere and get back in touch with who I am. That's a small boundary. Do you know it's okay not to answer text messages every minute? Do you know it's okay not to answer your phone? Do you know it's okay to walk into your job and go right into your office and take a few minutes? These things are okay. So I want you to think about what you need. Not a wall, but maybe just a little rickety fence, maybe a gate on your backyard to keep you healthy and happy. You can love them, but it doesn't mean they have to trample all over you. I also want to talk to you today about being hurt by someone and, and in putting those boundaries in place with people that you have to see, but they've hurt you. We've all been there. We've all had a broken heart, and we will continue to have our heartbroken or be disappointed by the people in our life. Well, here's the thing. A lot of those people we're related to or maybe married to, or you think of who they are in your life, maybe people you have to see every day. These are people in situations that you just cannot get away from. We can't divorce our family. We can't not work. We can't not be in churches or. Or different organizations just because there are people there who have decided to hurt us. We want to make sure we continue doing the things we want to do in life and not have those people take our joy. So I'm going to give you a little bit of behind my lashes of what I've had to do by people who have hurt me. Again, I want to be very authentic and raw here. And I was hurt quite a bit in my life. And I will talk a little bit about my life and my father. I grew up without my father for the first 17 years of my life. And ironically, God does have a sense of humor because he's living with me now. He lives with me and my husband and my son and. Yeah, well, we'll get into that another time. But I know the pain of almost feeling rejected as a kid and, and just feeling like you've been cast aside. I also know the feeling of being in. In relationships with friends and feeling hurt by them. And again, not wanting to give up on these people, but putting up that healthy boundary. And I think with people that are in our lives on a daily, we have to be conscious that they have the ability to hurt us. So we're not going to be able to control any of them, but we can control how we respond. Now, notice I said respond and not react. Well, reacting does nothing for us but get our blood pressure up. So let's learn to respond. All right, when you. When you are ready to react, I want you to think of the color red. When you are ready to respond, I want you to think of the color yellow. Okay? That's a much more comforting and calm color. In fact, I have people that put a big red R on the refrigerator and, and a big Yellow are on their refrigerator. And before they get all worked up over whatever's going on in their house or whoever's going to call them or whatever kind of day they had, they take a look at them, choose the yellow, try to respond and not react. So once again, we're not going to control anybody else. There's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that we are only in control of who we are. Other people are going to trigger you. Believe me, that's going to happen till the day the Lord calls you home. But it's how we're going to respond. So this holiday season, if you know you're going to be around the table and there's a lot of relatives and people that are just going to get you going, no matter what you talk about, remember, let me be mindful of who they are. Let me be mindful that I love them, but I don't have to react. I can put up a small individual boundary and just listen, respond, and get on with your day and your joy. So I want to share with you a quote that was given to me and I absolutely love it. I think it goes along with exactly what we're talking about when we're talking about the issue of boundaries. Love is when someone gives you the power to destroy them and them trusting you not to use it. Wow. I mean, that is amazing. You know, love is a powerful emotion and we will be talking about emotions as we move forward in, in our episodes. But, you know, when someone gives you that power, you can destroy them. And we have to make sure that's not what what we're about. I want to chat. Reading this reminds me a little bit more about what I want to talk to you about with my father. So for 17 years, I saw him here and there and he had some anxiety issues growing up, but again, he was not present in my life. In fact, I grew up with my mom, my aunt, my grandmother, my sister, and my three cousins. And I would never take that life back again because it made me the strong woman that I am today, because I was raised by a lot of strong women. So where my father came back into the picture is at the age of 17, my parents decided that they were going to build a house and we were all going to live in it. And it sounds fabulous, only it wasn't. It was very, very hard to live with someone that I didn't really know, but yet was my biological father. So although the house was beautiful and everything seemed wonderful, I was triggered every day by just him by remembering the rejection and not being paid attention to and living kind of a rough life financially because I didn't have two parents. I had a mom that worked really hard. So as life would have it, I married and moved out and went on with my life and didn't really have to see him on a daily basis. I knew I loved him and I actually felt bad for him because he missed out on so much of our lives. But I was in a relationship from a distance. So my mom passes away in 2011, and. [00:13:58] Speaker A: Guess what? I get the home that they built, my husband and I and my son. But there's one little, little piece that goes with it, and that's him. So for 14 years, my father, who is now 94 and very healthy, has been under the same roof as me. And I will not be be, you know, again, being raw and authentic. It is very hard to have a boundary with someone who's in your space every day. Someone who needs me to help take care of a lot of things. Because he's an emotional. He's emotionally challenged, I will say ocd, has a little bit of Tourette syndrome. Ruminating thoughts, very anxious. I myself have suffered with anxieties. Again, that's going to be another topic we're going to be discussing on behind the Lashes. Anxieties. But it's not easy. So how do I let him not destroy me? I love him. There are times I don't like him. I turn to God. I'm a woman of faith. I do a lot of praying that there must be a reason why he's with me. Again. I get very reactive sometimes, but I think that's the Italian in me, so can use that as an excuse. But I try very hard to respond when he gets himself in uproar over very little things. I try to be understanding, but I also know I need those boundaries. So again, he's on my list. What kind of boundaries do I need for myself in that relationship with him? And sometimes it's just leaving the house. Sometimes it's just going somewhere for a. A coffee or going to my niece's house or a break from it. And then I can recharge and get back into it. There are times when I just need to say to him, I need some time. I understand you're having a situation, which again, not to minimize it to him, it's huge, but it's mainly small. He has everything he wants and needs. But again, I'm dealing with an emotionally charged person. So there are times I just need to tell him, hey, I just got home. I need some time. I will take care of it. So these are things that I need to do. When it comes to my father. It's not easy to see him aging. But again. [00:16:23] Speaker A: It'S difficult for me because we didn't have that growing up history. But again, I just trust in God that I know there's a reason why he's there. And I know that there are times being a caretaker. You may be a caretaker for a parent or a relative or a friend and that can feel like a burden. But believe me, you're not alone. And that's what we're going to get into on another episode of behind the Lashes. So stay strong and stay blessed. Thanks for listening and thanks for watching. Take care of what is behind your lashes, your identity, your truth, and your healing. Until next time. Time be blessed. And remember, if God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. Behind the Lashes is produced by CMJW Entertainment.