Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Behind the Lashes is produced by CMJW Entertainment.
[00:00:04] Hey, everybody. Welcome back. Today I'm so honored and excited to be filming my second episode of behind the Lashes. After being sick and the holidays and all that good stuff, I am so happy to be back and once again thanking God for this opportunity to be blessed to be able to share so many different topics, so many things of what we go through behind our lashes. So, so welcome. And I want to talk a little bit about today's discussion. Now, as always, I promised you that these discussions are going to be real raw and hopefully relatable. So I want to keep my promise moving forward. And I was doing some thinking and this topic seems to come around a lot and I know for me, it can really affect me. And I want to talk today about accusations.
[00:00:52] Have you ever been accused of something you've never done? Or have you ever been accused to be someone that you know you're not?
[00:01:01] Now, listen, I've been in that position. And you may say, well, Jamie, you're a mental health coach. It must be easy for you to either brush it off or come up with some figureoutable reason to work through it. But the truth is, I may be those things, but I'm also a human being.
[00:01:19] And as humans, we're going to respond and sometimes react to these things.
[00:01:24] So if that's you or you've, you may have been on the other side of it where you may have been the accuser, and we'll get to that part as well. But I want to talk about how that affects our emotions and our identity and it sometimes can make our peace and our joy just go away.
[00:01:43] No one wants to be accused of something that they've never done or they've never been because now we're looking at an attack on our character and our integrity.
[00:01:53] So I know when that happened for me, I want to use the word misunderstood. I felt very misunderstood, but I almost didn't know what to do with that.
[00:02:03] How do I deal with it? How do I make it right? And that can weigh heavy on all of us.
[00:02:08] It can damage our emotions. It can damage our emotional well being, it can damage our physical well being because it's just something you're carrying around. So let's talk about it. I want to talk about.
[00:02:22] About the confusion that comes with it. When we are accused of something and it's stuck in our mind. We can get confused. We can try to have ruminating. Well, we will have ruminating thoughts about, why would that person do that to me? Why? Why did it happen in the first place? Am I that person? Did I do that? So we get confused. We start almost wondering and thinking and second guessing who we are. So that's very normal. The other piece is it can cause a lot of grief for us because being accused of something means we're being attacked in a way that maybe we're not used to. Maybe we never thought that person would ever in a million years call us those names or accuse us of something. And I want to be honest and say when we first hear the word accusation or being accused, the first thing that I think comes to my mind is being accused of taking something that doesn't belong to you. And I know a lot of people that have been in that, in that realm and in that situation, and that's part of it. But also accusations and being accused puts us in a position where we start grieving. We're grieving a part of us that is being.
[00:03:37] Again, it's. We're being accused of something that we know we're not capable of doing. And that can become very, very frustrating. So let's jump in and talk about the emotional impact of it. This can, this type of accusation can cause us to have a major emotional impact with anxiety, with self doubt. It may make us angry and it may bring shame to us. And hey, listen, let's go in a direction for a moment of maybe you did do something or maybe you were speaking ill of someone and they found out. Okay, let, let's go in that direction for a moment.
[00:04:16] That can bring a lot of shame to us because maybe it was the heat of the moment, maybe it was the heat of anger. We don't know. But, but the best thing you can do with that person is come back together and try to make peace, try to work it out. So I wanted to just give you that little bit of an update and that little bit of a direction because listen, we're not perfect. We all have, we all have said things in the, in the heat of the moment. And the worst thing in the world is when that person finds out about it or, or the situation comes to light. Because secrets never really stay hidden for very long, nor should they. So if you can work it out, as opposed to carrying that shame or carrying the guilt of having done it, that is the best case scenario. If not, it's okay. It's okay to feel it, tell yourself, listen, I take accountability for it. I own it and move forward. So if that happens, that's a little, that's a little counseling to help you get through that, but I want to talk more about when the accusation is false. So we go into this urge to explain ourselves. No, that wasn't me. Wait a minute, I wasn't there that day. Hold on, that's not me me. I want you to see the real, real me. And I'll be honest with you, sometimes this happens in families more than anything, more than friendships, more than workplaces. If any of you have ever been new to a family, maybe you've been introduced to your future husband's family, your in laws, your future wife's family, siblings that they have, friends that they have and they just don't quite, they don't quite get you. They don't quite get to see the real you.
[00:05:56] Boy, that can be frustrating and it can be hurtful. And you don't want to be, you don't want to be looked at through their lenses. You want them to see who the real you, who the real you really is. So as time goes on and you become part of this family, you become part of this friend network and things are said or maybe you've done something that doesn't quite add up or line up with the way they think you should be. See, that's a dangerous word right there. Should you may be looked at through lenses that are inaccurate. And it's hard and it's hurtful and it's painful and that can cause a lot of anxieties and a lot of self doubt and the urge to keep on exploring and jumping up and down. This is me. This is the real me. I want you to know me.
[00:06:40] Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't because you feel like this is an attack on your identity and, and your reputation. And that can be very hard and that can cause a big rift, especially in in laws situation.
[00:06:54] Hey, we all want our in laws to love us, right? We do. We want to be accepted. But sometimes that can happen and sometimes it happens with friends and it happens in friendships that have been together for, for a long time. But we feel hurt, we feel attacked. And a lot of anxiety can be produced from that. I want to talk a little bit about the trap of over explaining. Now. I'm Italian. We talk.
[00:07:18] We, we explain things that probably people don't even want to hear, but we explain. You come to my house, you have something to eat. I'm explaining why I cooked it. I'm explaining why, or should I say why my husband cooked it. You'll get to know me. I'm not good in the kitchen. Okay. I'm going to stick to what My spiritual gifts are. And it's not cooking, but we explain. We over explain. But that can be a trap. And I'm going to talk about that.
[00:07:43] Explaining doesn't always bring peace to us. In fact, it can backfire, it can circle around and we can find ourselves being so overly wired because that's all we're doing is explaining and explaining and parts of us are coming out that are just stress. You don't want to be stressed. You don't want to have a stressful personality or identity. You want to, you want to be calm and you want to be able to think and not have that confusion and think about what the situation is and say, you know what, Do I really need to keep explaining myself to prove something?
[00:08:18] You don't. So that can be a trap. Over explaining sometimes is.
[00:08:25] Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth. Let me put it to you that way. So when you're overly explaining, you may feel like you're trying to control the drama, but you're not in control of the drama. You're actually feeling out of control.
[00:08:39] Remember, we can only control us. We can only control what we feel, what we say, what we do, our actions, our own identity. Those are the things we control.
[00:08:51] So sometimes over explaining, it doesn't bring peace because sometimes people just don't want to hear it. They've shut down, they've made their decision, they've looked at you a certain way. And sometimes we can't change their minds. So we have to make sure we stay knowing who we are, our own identity, and we stand in our own truth. Know your sense of place.
[00:09:14] The other thing with this is, you know, learning to be silent.
[00:09:19] Sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes it's not worth going the extra mile. Listen, I'm gonna. I promised you raw and, and relatable. I have written many letters to a certain person in my life hoping that she sees me a different for who I am. And what I've learned through this is it's not really been about me. Now I will take, I will take. I will take my hits whenever I need to. I'm not opposed to being accountable for anything I've done or said. I. I will take it, I will take it in peace and I will try to make it better and move forward. But there are just some people that are in our lives and I have one of them that just will not see the truth or the light. So again, me having to pause, reflect and recognize this was never really about me. I'm a new player in an old game.
[00:10:12] And remember that you can be a new player in an old game. What I mean by that is the people you're involved in or involved with, they've had this game going on for a long time. You've just jumped on the board and they've decided to involve you in, in that, in that drama.
[00:10:30] So what I've recognized is not blaming, but I've had to see the reality of maybe, just maybe, the letters and the cards and the flowers and the text messaging. I'm trying, but I can't get a response back. So I have to give that baggage back to that person and I have to let go of the anxiety and the, the, the ruminating thoughts and the self checking and the over explaining. I have to let that go in order to be at peace and have good emotional well being for me. So I get that. So explaining sometimes is good when that person will meet you halfway. But sometimes we have to be strong in silence.
[00:11:12] And when the things come back up again, when those words come back and hit you again, sometimes just pause, be strong and be silent because sometimes it's not going to make a difference. Sad but true. And if you remember I said this in the last episode, respond, do not react. Remember we talked about the two Rs and if you didn't listen to the last podcast, I'm going to tell you a little bit about it. Two Rs, we have decisions, we can respond to situations and, or people or we can react. And I think. You know what, react. I know again, being Italian, we're reactors. So I want you to think of two Rs. One R for respond is a nice yellow color. Nice soft. Hold on, let me yield, let me hold on. The next R is red, fiery red. And that is reacting. That's where our anger comes from and that's where we get ourselves all worked up moving forward. We're going to talk a little bit about what does this say about the other, about the other guy? Okay, the accuser. What does this say about them? And I just talked a little bit about how I had to back up and see that person for who they are. And it doesn't mean we're, we're not disappointed or angry, but I think, I think hurt is the operative word here. I think we're hurt that anyone would accuse us or treat us that way. So it's important that we look at that person and where they're coming from. Not to blame them, but to just gain some perspective on who they are and on who and who we are. So sometimes when people accuse us of being or doing, it's projection. It's comes off of them onto us because maybe they've been hurt, maybe someone have. Has accused them of. Of doing or being something they're not, and they're just living with pain.
[00:13:05] You know, I always say hurting people, hurt people. And there's a lot of that that goes around. And maybe, maybe my next podcast episode will be on hurting people, hurt people. We'll have to. I'll make a note of that.
[00:13:18] Their insecurity again. How were they brought up? What was their. What was their upbringing like? You know, as a mental health coach? It's kind of funny because that. That's like an odd joke for therapists. Many years ago, you go into the therapy office and they'd say, okay, tell me about your childhood and your mom and dad. But it does go a long way. So maybe, just maybe, this person had some hurt and pain and. Or grew up very insecure. We don't know. But we'd look at that lot of unhealed wounds.
[00:13:48] We all have them, and what do we do? We put a band aid on them, and emotionally, we put a band aid on them, and guess what? Band aids come off, they don't heal. We need to rip those band aids off, let the wound be exposed, let it heal, let it scar, and we move on and we learn from it. So maybe, maybe this person has some unhealed wounds and they just don't like that you don't. Or maybe they. They don't like that you've had wounds and they're healed and you're moving on with life.
[00:14:14] The other thing is some people like to control the dynamics of things, whether it be family, work, or friendships. They just need to be in that control. And you've come into the dynamic and, you know, you don't quite fit. I don't know about you, but I don't want to fit in anywhere. I just want to be who I am, who God made me to be. And I think that's why I love this so much, because it's just me doing what I do. So you have to think about some of these things when you're looking at that other person. And again, you look at that person, you try to understand maybe they're coming from some of those. And that helps you to be more compassionate, and it helps you to have peace of mind that it's not you.
[00:14:54] Let's go on to some healing and protecting your peace. Last episode, I talked about boundaries and how boundaries are so important.
[00:15:01] So remember, keep those boundaries. You may not be able to connect with that person again. You may not be able to rectify what's gone wrong. And sometimes things go wrong for so long, you even forget about what started it right, Especially you families out there. But keep those boundaries. Remember, they're very, very healthy and you need those.
[00:15:23] For me, I let God be the truth. I remember God is my defender and, and at the end of the day, I'm too tired to fight people in situations that have no truth behind it. I know who I am. I know my identity in God, and that helps me.
[00:15:37] I hope it helps you too. And reclaiming your voice without proving your worth is so important.
[00:15:43] Let me tell you, my friends, you do not have to prove your worth to anyone. You are worthy. You are worthy. Your identity is, is.
[00:15:53] We're not cookie cutters. Your identity is unique.
[00:15:56] So we don't have to chase after people and jump up and down in front of people to prove who we are. It's so exhausting. I'm exhausting just talking about it. So reclaim your voice within you and move on and let those doors open to people in situations that God has set up for you that, that are meant for you and just you. And that's exciting because I know for me, it brings empowerment for me to be able to move past that person in love. Maybe not reconciliation, but understanding where that person came from just gives me such a sense of, you know what, I'm going to keep that person in my thoughts and prayers. And I hope, I hope they come to their own peace of mind and do their own healing.
[00:16:40] So really quick, I want to wrap up, I want to talk a little bit about the empowerment that it brings. All right, so you don't need permission to be anyone else but who you are.
[00:16:53] You don't need permission to heal from that pain, that accusation.
[00:16:59] You don't need to correct every single lie that was told about you. I know there were times in my life when I was a lot less mature than I am now, and that's a fancy way of saying a lot less younger.
[00:17:14] I know it would make me crazy. It wouldn't make me nuts. I would have to find that person, correct it, make sure they trusted me again, make sure they knew that wasn't me. I, I, I have too much wisdom right now, and it's just not worth it. So you don't have to run around correcting lies that were told about you taking billboards out and, you know, posting things on your social media. You know, I think there's one thing that really eats my lunch is when people put cryptic messages on social media and they leave us all wondering, what happened? Who did this? Is it true? Is it not? You know, we're human. We go there so you don't have to correct any lies, stay home and watch television or read.
[00:17:54] Peace is greater than being believed. And I think we touched on that a little bit before. Your peace and your peace of mind is worth it's. It's priceless.
[00:18:04] So there are going to be times in your life where people will not believe you and they will not see you for who you are. But you know what? That's okay. Because you know who you are. You know what's behind those lashes, and you need to protect what's behind those lashes. Your truth, your identity, and your heart. Thanks, everybody. This was a great, great episode, and I look forward to coming back again for a third podcast of what's behind you'd Lashes.
[00:18:31] Behind the Lashes is produced by CMJW Entertainment.
